Sunday, November 22, 2009

I have a son!

Okay folk this is super quick cause I'm only a few days out of hospital. My son Elliott was born on Monday 16th November. The last month of pregnancy was a horror with back pain and pre-labour pains for ages. Then waters broke and had a few days of contractions not really going anywhere into active labour. Finally a few hours before I was to be induced I went into full natural labour - but it went wrong, baby in posterior position and up too high and too much pain and contractions not doing the right thing to help so ended up with full medical intervention. At last minute avoided a C-section just because kid turned and dropped and I could push him out. Whew.

Now of coure I'm hormonal, sore from head to toe and sleep deprived. BUT...totally, totally in love with my son, and motherhood!!


Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Week 35 - I suck at this blog

Oh I'm so sorry folk. I've probably got no readers left over here! I don't know why I've found it so hard to blog about pregnancy when I've been a blogger and writer for years and years and years. Maybe it's just hard to get distance or perspective on it all since it's so intense and constantly changing.

I'm now only a few weeks away from having a full term baby! I finished work a few weeks ago because of constant back pain issues, and also what I felt amounted to discrimination from my boss who was constantly carrying on about being distracted, having pregnancy brain, being "useless" blah blah. Really it wasn't true - I'm the first to admit when I'm clumsy or silly 'cause of hormones - like turning up at a friends house in slippers, not shoes. But he was making every normal mistake out to be baby related and proof I was not much of a worker. GRRRR. Fucktard.

Luckily I have tonnes of sick leave so I'm on full pay at home now and much less stressed. I don't have to think about going back to work until at least May next year.

Apart from my back, and heartburn, really I'm doing pretty well. No huge weight gain - I've only put on about six kilos in total which is great since I was a big girl to start with. Baby eats my fat according to the doctor who was being half serious - Ignoring the baby bump the rest of my body is looking quite trim I reckon. Ha. I haven't dieted or done anything stupid, just totally listened to my body all along and let it eat what it wants.

I did have one scare. Some idiot rear-ended my car in traffic at quite a high speed. Almost wrote of my car cause it crumpled parts of the floor of the car which is expensive to fix. Thank goodness it was his fault and I was just innocently waiting in traffic so I don't pay a cent. But I did have to go to hospital to be monitored for five hours and have some tests done of bub. For a few hours after the crash he was not moving too much and they weren't happy with his monitoring. Then he seemed to shake it off and started bouncing around and all drama was over! Whew.

My nursery is all set now, I've done the parenting classes too. My sister has had a baby a month ago so I've been doing "baby boot camp" learning everything from her and her newborn really which is great for confidence building. This week I'm packing the hospital bag!

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Week 25 -Can I get a back transplant?

I'm back at home now, just had my first full week in the office and am exhausted!! Have fallen asleep most nights by 8 or 9pm.

Kid is going super well! I can see and feel kicks externally now - like in the Jurassic Park scene where the T-Rex vibrates the water in ripples - so does the fat on my belly move when kid is active. He has his own demands now and ways of getting results including mega-kicks when he is hungry at meal times, little dances of excitement after eating and the odd congo line at midnight just for the fun of it.

I am not doing quite so well. My pelvis has had it - far too early if you ask me but I can barely walk in the morning, sleeping is torture and bending, stretching or lifting or even putting underwear on is an issue! I've been to physio now who have told me I've got three different things going on - sacro-illiac joint pain, pubic symptisitis (spelling?) at the front and ITB dramas across my thighs - that is about as technical as I will get. So I have support belts, heat packs for the back and ice compression for the thighs at night to try and help! WHEW!

All of the back stuff has left me feeling a little bleak and morose. On one hand I'm super excited about the kid, on the other the idea that I've still got three months to go, possibly with increasing back issues is depressing.

Not to mention that although I'm still enjoying the idea of sex and have a high pregnancy libido, and a roster of willing long term lovers keen, the actual logistics are become too much with the back and that is just not fair. It was gymnastic, fantastic, lustful sex that created this kid, surely I should at least be able to enjoy the same for a bit longer ;-)

Still, the back issues may get me off full time work easier and allow me to access sick leave and finish up in the office by 30-34 weeks. That would be heaven.

I've also now got almost all of the baby clothes, and the nursery is complete and I'm nesting like mad -forcing friends to do the trolley pushing and lifting at Ikea frenzies. Hanging out at home and doing nesting stuff makes me happy beyond reason, so I guess the biological processes are well and truly kicking in to make sure I'm ready.

I'm also working through some long held family issues which I'm told is a normal part of baby-growing. It makes you reflect on your parents, and childhood and so every night I go to sleep is some kinda Dr Phil episode in my head. I've even had a few words to the family about things I've often wondered about, and tried to let them know my expectations of them as grandparents. It's hard work for someone who has never said anything to anyone in the family about such issues but the family is responding!

Really, if it wasn't for the back issue, and I guess the morning sickness I had earlier - then I'd love pregnancy. It's all excitement and anticipation and life changing and all of that good stuff.

Although, irrationally, I am still wondering if I will have an ugly child and then not feel the process worth it. Ha! Why I'm so concerned about looks is beyond me, but I think it's very funny and I can't take the fear seriously, instead roll about laughing at my own newly discovered shallowness.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Week 21

Well after a week lazing in the sun and swimming I finally find no more excuses to put off writing. Actually, I'm only writing cause I don't want to do my washing. I'm on my last solo vacation ever and I don't want to cook, wash, or clean. I'm being entirely selfish and watching tv, reading millions of books, eating out, sleeping in...all things I figure I should enjoy since they won't be so easy to manage in a few months time. Mostly enjoying my solitary time, but with odd moments of tears of loneliness or sheer panic at the "WTF I'm having a baby alone" situation.

I'm kinda used to the idea of being pregnant now so don't have to keep being shocked when I wake up and see my ever growing belly. In fact, I'm loving the fact that my baby boy kicks now. It's the best feeling in the world. I've started talking to him even though I'm not really sure what to say. I sort of baby talk the same way I talk to my pets.

I've started doing serious baby shopping, but part of me is just stunned that something so amazing is happening to me - I'm buying baby clothes but I can't quite imagine what he's going to look like, or that he really will be mine. Some days I admit I've thought it's TOO good and someone will come in and sweep away my baby, or that he'll be born with something broken. And some days I have found myself apologising to him for not giving him a father or a more traditional family. Other days I just cry cause I'm so happy and it feels so right and I know we'll be okay.

So you can see - up and down with the hormones and emotions. So I haven't really blogged in detail cause everything changes so often!

It's much harder travelling pregnant alone than I thought. My back is really sore so I have to plan each day in details - buses I'll catch, what I can achieve without overdoing it, rest stops, nap times, how much I can carry and when I will treat myself to a cab. Add to it weird discharges, thrush, rashes, heartburn and million tiny complaints and it's a challenge! Carrying a bag with all sorts of medication and creams and water and such. But I guess that's what being a mum is going to be like. Planning, taking things slower and more easy, bite size chunks of life at a time! Pregnancy is kinda sneaky in that it prepares you for what is too come I think.

Once I get back home in a few weeks things really start to progress. More appointments, back care classes, parenting classes, building the nursery and buying the last few big things I need, baby showers, hiring someone to take over my job for real and working out my maternity leave. So I best enjoy the stillness of this last holiday!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

So much catching up to do!

I'm now 19 weeks. And I've got a very healthy baby BOY moving about inside! So healthy he was playing with his penis on the ultrasound scan. Ahem. That surely is my child!!

I'm about to head off for three weeks of holidays in the will write lots and lots then I promise. But it's been a nightmare to get my house ready for holidays with flatmate dramas and housesitters for my pets, plus train a replacement for my day job, plus do all the baby admin of scans and checkups etc etc. three days I'm in the sun in Hawaii eating pineapple! Yay.

Stay tuned...


Friday, May 15, 2009

Week 14.5 - I feel almost normal

I haven't posted lately cause I've been ignoring the pregnancy basically. Not because I've changed my mind about bub or anything, but just to kind of give myself a break from "Being Pregnant" with capital letters like I was in first trimester. I was just always so sick and tired I could never forget about it.

Now though; as long as I eat well, and sleep well, then I feel great. Slight pregnant belly forming - and I'm loving that and trying to show it off. Even my boss -the most fat phobic, BBW hating man in the universe noted that "I was showing" which means he got over his disgust at fat girl bellies long enough to notice I've got a new pot belly forming too. I was quite pleased with that.

Today he saw me eating lunch leftovers at 10am and then offered to take me out for a coffee and treat on the work account when I explained I'm constantly hungry despite trying to be good and eat low GI foods and the like. Wow - taking a fat girl for a cake without a single comment about size, eating habits etc. Although he did have to stress he'd walked 8kms before breakfast and thus "deserved" his treat. Sigh. His issues.

I've had some odd prego side effects of late. Waking with a crusty dried blood nose every morning. As I can be a bit of a nose picker, and it feels so gross, I've discovered that if I pick, or don't pick, either way it makes no difference. I've been using nasal sprays that moisturize your nose (I used them in dry climates like a Korean winter, or on long plane trips) and that's been helping.

I also sneeze like a bastard and with "increased secretions" from every orifice now like the books say I shoot snot everywhere if I'm not careful. People in the street look at me like I've got swine flu and no one believes me when I try and explain the link to being up the duff. My handbag has gone from breath mints and mouth wash to spare knickers (see "increased secretions"), panty liners, nasal spray and millions of tissues. This is the beginning of mother-handbag where you carry everything including the kitchen sink I think.

But these are all very manageable things compared to the first trimester horrors. I have had a few signs of things to come - round ligament pain starting - and that feels like you've just shagged a football team and strained your groin/abdo muscles. But it comes and goes and I use heat packs or just walk a bit waddle-like (aha - that is where the waddle starts to come in. My hips must be shifting too) and I'm good.

Lots of tears too and I'm not one for public crying - or even crying if flatmates can see so I've been a bit stressed trying to hide away when the hormones give way and I start sobbing for silly reasons. I'm trying to overcome the embarrassment and learn to show emotion in pubic - or at least to my flatmates - cause I want my kid to grow up not ashamed of feelings, like I grew up.

It's so hard though for me. I'm trying. Practising feeling words, hugs, nicknames, praise to friends and family and stating my needs, and learning to argue without panicking about feelings of anger. Whew. Lot of self development I'm trying. All related to emotion and the like. I wonder if my Mum was slightly autistic lol - I was in my twenties when I first remember hearing her say the words "I love you". In her defense she is trying now too - we end phone calls with the L word, send emails with nice feeling words every now and then and she even called and said "How are you feeling today" last week - and I nearly died! And we hug when we see each other. Small steps.

I'm using my dogs as substitute babies. I've started telling them "I love you every day and twice on Sundays" which I picked up from a TV show. It may take a few generations - and probably stems from the worlds staunchest, bitchiest grandmother but Mum is trying, I'm getting quite good at it and by the time bub hits the ground running the emotionless curse will be gone. If anyone else has some very nice, cute emotional rituals I can practice for use on a baby then let me know.

I feel really lucky to have had two full weeks now of feeling so good, and hope it continues another few weeks, even a month or so would be great. Then it will be into the hard yards - getting really big and uncomfortable.

Off to a pregnancy and baby expo tomorrow and excited. I have three friends coming along and that feels great - like they are really excited for me and supportive too. Two even offered to bring their credit cards and the thought of them considering buying me stuff makes me tear up in gratitude at their willingness to help out. This kid is going to have such a great tribe.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

The Big Day!

I couldn't sleep before the ultrasound - staring out the window like I was waiting for Santa Claus. Then I remembered that good things come in a hurry if you sleep so I was off to bed..only to wake up at 5 am like it was Xmas morning! Finally, the day of the ultrasound.

I spent hours getting ready - as if I was going on a date! New cargo pants I'd bought for the occasion, matching shoes and scarf. I guess I wanted to make a good impression on the offspring for our first meeting!

Traffic was terrible so I was almost late. My friend was also late but it didn't really matter - the computers were down they told me, and they wouldn't do my scan until they knew my patient number. This is not a good thing to tell a girl who has just drunk several glasses of water and needs to pee but can't until after the scan.

In the end it was forty minutes of crossing my legs before I was allowed in for the scan. Then quick as a flash the kid was on the screen. It was a lot to take in. Features and beating heart filled the frame. Kiddo was lying in a crazy position - kinda resting on its neck with legs almost overhead. Very special. That'd be my little critter not doing things the ordinary way. The technician tried to move the baby around to get the measurements but after a while the kid threw a tantrum and started jumping around and twisting and rolling. It moves fast!

We were then sent to the "naughty chair" to wait until the kid would get in the right position for a decent scan. In the meantime though the technician went off and found a doctor who pronounced the pictures taken so far as okay after all, and not needing a second go. I was a little disappointed cause it was kinda fun just watching bub dance around. is 5.8 cm from head to butt. Seems to have all of the major organs in place - saw bones and spine and bladder and heart and stomach. And so far no abnormal results. It's all very comforting..but at the same time bloody freaky. Eek. It's REAL. There is a LIVE BABY inside me. It's not a phantom pregnancy after all.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009


Grrrrr..prego hormones kicking in today and I feel like boxing some heads. I'm so sick of labels at the moment - and believe me I now have quite the collection - Fat, Lesbian/Bisexual (some people not buying the sleeping with men thing that much), Single Mum. Blurgh. We're such a judgemental bunch of fuckers. Excuse me while I go and eat some icecream - that may push me into the Fat label a tad more ;-)

Week 12: The Big Day Tomorrow

I've made it through the first trimester! Praise be! Woot! Now I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for tomorrow - the first ultrasound!

Lots of up the duffers have an ultrasound at about six weeks to "date" the little critter and predict a due date, but because I track my cycles I knew my dates, so I haven't actually yet met the kid in womb. At the moment my due date is 11 November - Remembrance Day! Though if I'm in labour at 11 am I don't like the chances of a few minutes silence!

Tomorrow I'll get to hear the heartbeat, see him/her (them? EEK) on screen and get a run down on my chances of abnormalities. They'll give me a statistical chance of the bub having Down's or something similar and then I can decide what to do next - more testing for example. It's all very nerve wracking and awesome. I really, really don't want to find anything wrong with my alien implant.

I've had a great last week. Overnight it was like morning sickness flicked off and although I was suspicious for a few days, it became obvious I was done with the first trimester horrors. Instead I was flooded with some sort of feel good hormone. The first few days on that natural drug were hilarious. I do believe at one time I was caught singing to a flower in a pot plant that had opened up over night.

Last weekend I was out of bed at 6am, opening up all of the windows and taking stock of what I'd missed in the last six weeks or so. The house was covered in dust and discarded bits of stuff I'd not quite unpacked properly - so it was music cranking and spring cleaning.

The flatmates were most bemused to find me like some freakin' Disney princess dancing with the dogs and pirouetting across the living room.

I caught up on body maintenance and peeled off the vomit stained PJs and then it was onto some serious dog walking and getting-out-of-the-house-again moments. With my appetite returning I treated myself to a slice of cake. Mmmm... small pleasures indeed.

The only downside to this new lot of chemicals in the body is it brings other emotions close to the surface too. Watch a youtube clip, listen to some sappy country and music and watch me blubber. Of course country and western music does make many sane people blubber.

But my feelings turn on a dime too. Someone might cut me off in traffic and I'm having to restrain myself from jumping out of the car and running after them throwing half used bottles of Listerine at their heads. Then I'll go for a nap and have the most filty, sexy, hormone driven dreams and wake up frothy mouthed and wild eyed. Eeek. It's like I've just had a brand new strong set of emotions installed and I"m yet to learn to manage them. Kinda fun.

Well - in summary - I feel like I'm on some pretty good drugs this week! Will update you tomorrow with hopefully the first picture of my baby too!!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Week 11

Finally something to stop the misery of first trimester - going to a class with a whole bunch of other miserable first trimester gals and partners! Misery does love company.

My first pregnancy class was excellent! I took Earth as my support person so I'm sure we just looked like inner west lesbians. The midwife was awesome and the other couples were fun to meet. I sat clutching a pillow to my belly trying not to throw up, another girl looked liked she would faint any moment and needed a good lie down, while a third girl confessed that her nose was so sensitive she couldn't stand the smell of her boyfriend. LOL. Good times.

We were walked through all of the appointments we'll need, and decisions to make and then to remind us of why we feel we feel so crap we were given a tour of the post-natal unit to see the babies having their first baths!!! I got very excited then. Hard to believe in just over six months I'll be there.

The post natural unit looks very cosy - and they have classes every day on what to do with a baby and how not to kill it so that I thought will come in handy. Wonder if I can move in until the kid is 18 or so?

It was all just so reassuring all-in-all. The parent education unit just reminded me of an airport lounge - even the smell of recycled air conditioning was the same. In a sappy way, I guess it is where great adventures begin...


Saturday last week was the tour of the Birth Centre - I've booked a bed there in the hope I can have a much less medical birth. Double beds, comfy furniture and courtyards to pace up and down in. Never fear - they'll still give you gas and pethidine - just no epidural. Yeah, well, we'll see! The Labour Ward is just opposite so if I change my mind it's no issue.

I took a gay boy to the Birth Centre tour and it was most amusing. We were cracking jokes about him not being the father - and getting strange looks from the others. Ah...some people need a sense of humour.

The tour was over fairly quickly since the room was needed by a very pregnant woman who rushed in mid-labour. She seemed calm and composed. I can only hope I'm the same when the time comes.

Overall, a fantastic weekend. Two days now to the ultrasound when I know we're all locked and loaded and ready to keep going with the baby incubating and then...the shopping begins!

Friday, April 17, 2009

The "P" Word...

What is the "P" word I hear you ask? It's pity!

Someone who used to be part of my life, and is no longer, caught wind of the pregnancy and went out of her way to send a jaunty little email about "How she feels nothing but pity for me" over the pregnancy.

Oh, how I raged. When I wake up at night now to go to the loo I like to lay awake and wish all sorts of karma onto her. How dare she?

I wonder why she feels pity? Cause the baby won't have an active bio-father? Cause I'm single and in a rented house while she is quite wealthy?

I just don't get it but I figure it's the first arrow in what may be a battle I'll face constantly - those that take pity on a single mother. Has anyone got any good comebacks? I mean this child is wanted, will be loved by my family across the generations, will be born to a healthy mother with no drug or alcohol issues and a good education, living in a great family house and with a good white collar job to live a moderate lifestyle. And did I mention it will be loved already? As far as situations goes I've seen a lot worse - including my own childhood and I did indeed have two parents!

She can just blow me.

God giveth and taketh away

Now I'm not religious but if there is a God she/he has some sense of humour. Playing around with my vibrator I discover I'm now multi orgasmic. Seriously so. Can orgasm every twenty seconds if I wanted. Woot. They aren't that strong but it's still kinda fun. And I reckon I feel a bit "tighter" or different too inside. Maybe extra blood flow? So that's all fun and giggles. seems the orgasms trigger contraction-like cramps. Like really bad PMS. Even if I don't penetrate. OUCH. I end up doubled up a bit for a few minutes and feel off for quite a while - crawling into a warm bath helps.

So sexy if I ever shag a real person again. "Oooooo..yeah, that's it..I'm cuming. OW. Mother Fucker ouch ouch ouch don't touch me I'm just curling up into a foetal position now. Please leave me alone to die."

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Week 10: Snakes Alive and Shopping

I've put off blogging a bit about Week 10 up the duff since it has mostly sucked and I'm trying to adjust my attitude. Trying very hard. And mostly failing...

Morning sickness went away and is now back with a vengeance. I know that probably means baby is growing well but I can barely function. Over Easter I had a few days where I couldn't even keep water down, leading to the worst headache. And I couldn't keep painkillers down. I was about to shelve my painkillers when finally I kept a few down. Whew. Bless my flatmates for getting me hot packs for the sore head.

I seem to have one day where I can eat okay, and then the next day I can't eat or drink anything. I guess that means I don't need to worry about excessive weight gain! And I will never again joke about wishing I could catch bulimia for a bit. I don't know how the pro-vomit folk do it!

I make so much noise, and I cry and I make a mess - it would be impossible for me to hide the fact I'm upchucking. Yesterday one of the things I threw up was a few Snakes Alive. I'd read somewhere that sometimes lollies help keep blood sugar stable and lead to less vomit. WRONG.

Anyhow...they don't digest easily and a bit blob of brightly coloured lolly mess stuck to the toilet bowl AT WORK. I frantically scrubbed with the brush - only to transfer bits of chewed snake to the brush. Nothing would make them disappear down the loo. I was so embarrassed. I just ran away and hoped no one could figure out what on earth it was.

In more amusing news I went for maternity bra fittings. They aren't sexy. Some of them have no underwire so are just massive bits of material and straps. So Ugly. The fitter apologised when I put the grandma things on. But I figure it was sexy bras that got me in trouble in the first place. And one of them - well, it's a goddamn J cup! The other is a G cup. So So wrong. My nipples now touch my thighs if I'm slouched on the couch braless. I'm a sideshow! The flatmates held out the J cup bra and we tried to sit one dog in each cup. The dogs didn't want to stay in the hammock though.

I'm also into tracksuit pants and longer tops now. I can tell I'm up the duff but no one else really can see yet. My lower belly roll just seems to defy gravity and poke out like an inflated balloon. I can't wear my normal clothes and left to my own devices I'd walk around only in PJs. I've taken to rubbing the belly and muttering away to already - even if it can't hear me yet!

A family friend has given me my first outfits and toys - despite me saying "no gifts until after 12 weeks" but I was excited so I made an exception. Other friends are hinting about the stockpile they are hatching in secret and my Mum is telling me about all the pink things she's buying - no pressure for a girl!!

As soon as I wasn't looking my dog, Butch grabbed the newborn toy and was attempting to remove it from the packaging. There is going to be jealousy issues I reckon. And I'll need to separate dog and human toys. Not that there is anything wrong with the kid eating a bit of dog saliva I guess.

This Friday is my first class - the "Just Pregnant, Now What?" class . Then Saturday is the tour of the Birth Centre. I've got different friends as my "partner" for each thing I'm attending which is going to freak everyone out. A few lesbians, a gay boy, a straight girl. Much fun awaits I hope!

It's also now only 14 days till the end of my first trimester and the first ultrasound! Can't wait! I really do what the end result but I just can't stand the grow-you-own-baby process!

Friday, April 3, 2009

Giggle on a Friday

This website is cruel, but pretty funny.

Happy Friday! I'm so excited to have made it to a weekend. When I can sleep...mmmm..sleep. My new hobby.

I'm off to have a look at Ikea and a Baby Market too this weekend. Just to get an idea of how much money I'm going to need for a nursery. And I may let myself by one thing. I was hoping the Baby Market had pre-done children for sale to help me avoid actually carrying the kid, but no joy. They don't sell kids. Bummer.

I'm a bit scared to buy anything kid related until I pass the magic twelve weeks, but my sister said that allowing myself one toy or one baby outfit or something is still a nice thing to do - even if something goes wrong (and I hope it won't) it will be a memory. Sounds like a nice idea.

I'm resisting the lure of parenting magazines and the like - that's just all advertising designed to convince me I'll need an $800 cot or the kid will die or some such horrid thing! Not me. I will be hunting high and low for bargains. Including Freecycle - which is great if you don't know about it!

No real funny pregnancy stories this week. The coffee bean (nicknamed Delysia by my gay best friend) has behaved and apart from some headaches and tiredness and peeing at night, I feel almost normal. Except my first thought in the morning is still "FUCK. I'm pregnant." I sit up bolt upright and my eyes bulge, then I lay down again and take a few deep breaths. And eat something.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Week 8: I threaten evicition

So far this week has been the hardest. So much so that at one stage I admit I did threaten my embryo with a knitting needle or coat hanger if it didn't calm the fuck down pronto.

Let me explain before you call child services on me already. At the time I was vomiting so hard I wet myself. Oh yes, laugh away, it is comedy gold. Now. But not at the time. I was sobbing reaching for the Listerine to try and rinse my mouth out but the lid was loose - so I ended up covered in pee and mouthwash and having to get ready for work all over again.

Luckily that one day seems to have been the worst and since then I'm starting to feel a little better. I have to nap in the afternoons, I have to eat like a bulimic on a binge, but as long as that's keeping the all day sickness at bay I don't care if I end up the size of a house.

My biggest pregnancy challenge is not going homicidally hormonal on my boss. Cause I spent the most amount of time with him, he's my number one enemy at present simply for breathing. It doesn't help he's already dragging out "pregnancy brain", "you're just emotional" and "oh, today I read that obese pregnant women should diet and I thought you should know."

Deep breath. Count to ten. Put down the steak knife.

I'm discovering too that being preggers means everyone has a horror story to share with you. Enough already. I don't need to hear about your aunt and how her birth was so bad and she tore so much blah blah. Shut up. Shut up.

Or there is the opposite reaction to the overshare - a condescending..oh, you're only eight weeks pregnant so I really shouldn't start to tell you about (insert horror thing here).

Hmmm..let's just face it. I pretty much hate most people right now. My sister tells me it won't go away either. Being pregnant is like some truth serum. You just can't help but be brutally honest with what you think about people and how you feel. And no one needs that type of honesty in life.

Okay, well, that's enough of a bitch. But at least you're getting an honest version about the journey and not "oh, it's so wonderful and I'm glowing" crap.

On the positive side, it's kinda nice being a bit gooey and crying at things. My favourite things are all the gag-worthy things - puppies and babies and rainbow and kittens and all of that stuff. Present me with any of those things and watch me melt.

Anyway the countdown is now on till the end of April when I get my first scan and know everything is okay...I think then I will feel a little kinder toward to the coffee bean inside me (this week it starts to move and grows fingers).

Week 7: Beware the Lioness

Not even eating often now is a guarantee of stopping the vomit. But it's okay - cause if I vomit up half a day's worth of food at lunch doesn't that mean I get to restart my calories for the day? Hmmm..bulimia here I come.

My new flatmates have taken to calling me the "Lioness". And often walk around bowing and scrapping and offering food to placate me. And just as well, cause should they make eye contact I would probably attack and rip out vital organs.

Yes, I'm cranky. But only for a few minutes. Then I'm weepy. I cried rewatching Independence Day on the weekend. And Star Trek. And I wasn't crying at the costumes or bad acting.

My five month pregnant sister spent the day with me yesterday and oh what a marvelous day we had. She slept. I threw up. She asked me to throw up quietly cause I was interrupting her sleep. I got the giggles. Which is kinda fatal when you've got your head down the loo. Then we compared nipple changes, veins popping and read pregnancy books together. Then we devoured a block of chocolate...

The new flatmates came home and were in awe. "Hello, Another Lioness", they exclaimed before leaving a fresh chicken carcass at our feet and retreating.

I do recall I used to have a life, but I'm not sure where it went. Also, I recall being a lustful thing, and loving regular sexing. Right now I think I'd rather scoop my own vomit out of the loo and eat it. My body is off limits to all and sundry at present. The only thing a bed is good for is napping.

I'm already starting down the road to partial lobotomy too. I don't get online as much (maybe 5 hours a day instead of 10 hehe), I don't watch the news, I'm not going out much. I'm only focussed on my next meal and finding clean pyjamas.

It's actually kinda nice not to be "over-thinking" everything so much. Instead my body is kinda just pottering along and I'm somewhat oblivious to the world. I only hope I'm totally lobotomised by the time birth comes. Ouch already.

I can't wait to have my first scan or to start showing to make it all seem a bit real. The trouble is - I'm fat enough in the belly that I may not start showing till five months or more LOL. I mean right now I'd start wearing maternity tops for comfort if I could but that's not baby related. That's KFC related.

The Alien Impant

So the little thing inside me has a heartbeat now. And an attitude problem.

Had my first bouts of nausea. I'm at the stage where I must be close to food all of the time and if I don't eat something small every two hours then I get to be reminded of how I felt hungover from the all night drinking years. Blurgh.

I just cried myself across to the shops this morning for some crackers. Then instantly felt better with my hand in the packet. Ah, hormones. And I thought I was a moody bitch with regular PMS. Just as well I'm single or I'd probably have my partner's head on a stick I'm that homicidal at times.

Already I'm popping stitching in my bras and my uterus is jumping up and down and moving all about as it gets ready to grow. Lots of hot baths needed, and constant wearing of tight singlets while I walk around with my hands over my breasts moaning like a whimp.

At this stage I'll need an epidural before I've even made it three months preggers.

My two dogs of course think the newly swollen, plump boobs are cushions designed just for their little heads so we have this way of laying on the couch now with one dog resting on each boob. I just hope they don't expect to be breastfed. Cause I'm open minded. But there are limits.

My first doctor's appointments have been great fun. Have this dowdy old GP with a wicked sense of humour. When I asked her about coming off anxiety medication she told me "I'd be a cot case during pregnancy anyhow" drugs or no drugs so I'd better come off them. Cause it increases miscarriage risks. Although, in rats, was found to give no birth defects. She then added "Which is great, if you're having a rat.And I did read a book like that once..."

At my concerns about being fat and falling pregnant she just looked me up and down and said, "I've seen worse. Just don't eat everything not nailed down and you'll be fine."

Yay. We like her.

Sydney is a busy, busy city and after my blood tests I was given a list of things to do. So of course I needed a trip to Officeworks for a folder and inserts and the like for the "Baby Project". All my bits of paper are lined up now. I'm booked into classes, in for ultrasounds, in for midwife visits, and even into the Labour Ward and Birth Centre. No kidding - it's that busy that if you don't book in the first weeks then you have to give birth in a manger or something. Maybe while I'm at it I should book schools and university places. Although given my kid has a tail and gills now it's hard to say what their potential is. Swimmer?

This weekend I'm also moving house - my place is in line to be knocked down and so best I find a family home I thought rather quickly! So we're on the move now to a four bedroom mansion cut into a cliff face - and it has a dungeon!! For real. I'll either rent the dungeon to a dominatrix or I'll use it to threaten the child-to-be with torture for any misbehaviour! Ha! Excellent plan.

My Surprise Baby

So I've ripped the title of this blog straight from a tabloid newspaper. Bet that got your attention. But it's true. Although it's very early , it does appear I'm knocked up, up the duff, bun in oven and all of that stuff.


You may firstly wonder how a I am accidentally knocked up. Well the old fashioned way of course - contraception failure while playing with boys. All of those years with girls and not a single pregnancy scare! Wonder what I was doing wrong then? Ha.

I found out just before I walked onto stage for my last stand up comedy show. I was trying to distract myself from comedy nerves so peed on a stick. I'd peed on one a few days before and was negative - but no period. So I was just double checking the period was late with stress from comedy.

Um, nope.

Naturally my comedy show was the best ever cause there was no room for nerves about the performance cause in my head I was screaming an endless loop of, "Oh. My. God."

First issue is - BabyDaddy? Being the wanton hussy that I am, I have a couple of lovers. Sit down with calender and work out ovulation. Shagged two guys almost a week apart - one right on ovulation so likely it's him.

Told both boys just in case. One has moved to Peru, so got an email. Oops. The other is just being very calm and "lets-just-cope-with-it" so far.

There will be an easy way to tell who Daddy is. One boy is Asian, the other is mixed race and cocoa skinned. When the baby pops out I can just wait and see what features I've got. It's like a lucky dip really.

Yes, I'm still making jokes about my situation. Really, what else can I do? Abortion isn't an option - my little sister is 16 weeks pregnant, I'm in my thirties, I've got savings and a good job. I'd feel terrible to abort this "miracle" child that seems to be able to swim through condoms or around diaphragms. Maybe it's meant to be?

I'm only about five weeks. So that means all sorts of horrid things can go wrong yet. My blood tests and scans are still weeks away - so maybe I've got something with flippers inside me. Maybe I've got twins. Maybe I've got abnormal things going on and maybe I'll miscarry. These are all possibilities but I wanted to start blogging about it all now, cause I always cope with things by writing about them. And cracking jokes. If you can't laugh at life, you're screwed.

Speaking of jokes - I've told my family to suss out what kinda of reaction they'd have. My Nanna says, "Well, whatever it is - black, white or brindle, it's welcome in our family."

Awww...pass me the tissues. Mum and Sis are ready to move heaven and earth to help too - we're a family of strong women and they are certainly rallying around.

At one point I was almost in tears to my mum. "Am I a disappointment cause now you've got to tell everyone that your half-lesbian daughter is knocked up and having a mixed race baby on her own?"

Mum just laughed. "You are never a disappointment. You just do things your own way in life!"

My Dad, bless him, is even funnier. I ring, blurt out the news without much introduction and his first words are....

"Who is this?"

WHAT? How many daughters do you have old man - or lovers that could also be in trouble ?? Damn, what a great first response.

This is going to be some adventure!