I have a son!

Okay folk this is super quick cause I'm only a few days out of hospital. My son Elliott was born on Monday 16th November. The last month of pregnancy was a horror with back pain and pre-labour pains for ages. Then waters broke and had a few days of contractions not really going anywhere into active labour. Finally a few hours before I was to be induced I went into full natural labour - but it went wrong, baby in posterior position and up too high and too much pain and contractions not doing the right thing to help so ended up with full medical intervention. At last minute avoided a C-section just because kid turned and dropped and I could push him out. Whew.

Now of coure I'm hormonal, sore from head to toe and sleep deprived. BUT...totally, totally in love with my son, and motherhood!!

xx

Week 35 - I suck at this blog

Oh I'm so sorry folk. I've probably got no readers left over here! I don't know why I've found it so hard to blog about pregnancy when I've been a blogger and writer for years and years and years. Maybe it's just hard to get distance or perspective on it all since it's so intense and constantly changing.

I'm now only a few weeks away from having a full term baby! I finished work a few weeks ago because of constant back pain issues, and also what I felt amounted to discrimination from my boss who was constantly carrying on about being distracted, having pregnancy brain, being "useless" blah blah. Really it wasn't true - I'm the first to admit when I'm clumsy or silly 'cause of hormones - like turning up at a friends house in slippers, not shoes. But he was making every normal mistake out to be baby related and proof I was not much of a worker. GRRRR. Fucktard.

Luckily I have tonnes of sick leave so I'm on full pay at home now and much less stressed. I don't have to think about going back to work until at least May next year.

Apart from my back, and heartburn, really I'm doing pretty well. No huge weight gain - I've only put on about six kilos in total which is great since I was a big girl to start with. Baby eats my fat according to the doctor who was being half serious - Ignoring the baby bump the rest of my body is looking quite trim I reckon. Ha. I haven't dieted or done anything stupid, just totally listened to my body all along and let it eat what it wants.

I did have one scare. Some idiot rear-ended my car in traffic at quite a high speed. Almost wrote of my car cause it crumpled parts of the floor of the car which is expensive to fix. Thank goodness it was his fault and I was just innocently waiting in traffic so I don't pay a cent. But I did have to go to hospital to be monitored for five hours and have some tests done of bub. For a few hours after the crash he was not moving too much and they weren't happy with his monitoring. Then he seemed to shake it off and started bouncing around and all drama was over! Whew.

My nursery is all set now, I've done the parenting classes too. My sister has had a baby a month ago so I've been doing "baby boot camp" learning everything from her and her newborn really which is great for confidence building. This week I'm packing the hospital bag!

Week 25 -Can I get a back transplant?

I'm back at home now, just had my first full week in the office and am exhausted!! Have fallen asleep most nights by 8 or 9pm.

Kid is going super well! I can see and feel kicks externally now - like in the Jurassic Park scene where the T-Rex vibrates the water in ripples - so does the fat on my belly move when kid is active. He has his own demands now and ways of getting results including mega-kicks when he is hungry at meal times, little dances of excitement after eating and the odd congo line at midnight just for the fun of it.

I am not doing quite so well. My pelvis has had it - far too early if you ask me but I can barely walk in the morning, sleeping is torture and bending, stretching or lifting or even putting underwear on is an issue! I've been to physio now who have told me I've got three different things going on - sacro-illiac joint pain, pubic symptisitis (spelling?) at the front and ITB dramas across my thighs - that is about as technical as I will get. So I have support belts, heat packs for the back and ice compression for the thighs at night to try and help! WHEW!

All of the back stuff has left me feeling a little bleak and morose. On one hand I'm super excited about the kid, on the other the idea that I've still got three months to go, possibly with increasing back issues is depressing.

Not to mention that although I'm still enjoying the idea of sex and have a high pregnancy libido, and a roster of willing long term lovers keen, the actual logistics are become too much with the back and that is just not fair. It was gymnastic, fantastic, lustful sex that created this kid, surely I should at least be able to enjoy the same for a bit longer ;-)

Still, the back issues may get me off full time work easier and allow me to access sick leave and finish up in the office by 30-34 weeks. That would be heaven.

I've also now got almost all of the baby clothes, and the nursery is complete and I'm nesting like mad -forcing friends to do the trolley pushing and lifting at Ikea frenzies. Hanging out at home and doing nesting stuff makes me happy beyond reason, so I guess the biological processes are well and truly kicking in to make sure I'm ready.

I'm also working through some long held family issues which I'm told is a normal part of baby-growing. It makes you reflect on your parents, and childhood and so every night I go to sleep is some kinda Dr Phil episode in my head. I've even had a few words to the family about things I've often wondered about, and tried to let them know my expectations of them as grandparents. It's hard work for someone who has never said anything to anyone in the family about such issues but the family is responding!

Really, if it wasn't for the back issue, and I guess the morning sickness I had earlier - then I'd love pregnancy. It's all excitement and anticipation and life changing and all of that good stuff.

Although, irrationally, I am still wondering if I will have an ugly child and then not feel the process worth it. Ha! Why I'm so concerned about looks is beyond me, but I think it's very funny and I can't take the fear seriously, instead roll about laughing at my own newly discovered shallowness.

Week 21

Well after a week lazing in the sun and swimming I finally find no more excuses to put off writing. Actually, I'm only writing cause I don't want to do my washing. I'm on my last solo vacation ever and I don't want to cook, wash, or clean. I'm being entirely selfish and watching tv, reading millions of books, eating out, sleeping in...all things I figure I should enjoy since they won't be so easy to manage in a few months time. Mostly enjoying my solitary time, but with odd moments of tears of loneliness or sheer panic at the "WTF I'm having a baby alone" situation.

I'm kinda used to the idea of being pregnant now so don't have to keep being shocked when I wake up and see my ever growing belly. In fact, I'm loving the fact that my baby boy kicks now. It's the best feeling in the world. I've started talking to him even though I'm not really sure what to say. I sort of baby talk the same way I talk to my pets.

I've started doing serious baby shopping, but part of me is just stunned that something so amazing is happening to me - I'm buying baby clothes but I can't quite imagine what he's going to look like, or that he really will be mine. Some days I admit I've thought it's TOO good and someone will come in and sweep away my baby, or that he'll be born with something broken. And some days I have found myself apologising to him for not giving him a father or a more traditional family. Other days I just cry cause I'm so happy and it feels so right and I know we'll be okay.

So you can see - up and down with the hormones and emotions. So I haven't really blogged in detail cause everything changes so often!

It's much harder travelling pregnant alone than I thought. My back is really sore so I have to plan each day in details - buses I'll catch, what I can achieve without overdoing it, rest stops, nap times, how much I can carry and when I will treat myself to a cab. Add to it weird discharges, thrush, rashes, heartburn and million tiny complaints and it's a challenge! Carrying a bag with all sorts of medication and creams and water and such. But I guess that's what being a mum is going to be like. Planning, taking things slower and more easy, bite size chunks of life at a time! Pregnancy is kinda sneaky in that it prepares you for what is too come I think.

Once I get back home in a few weeks things really start to progress. More appointments, back care classes, parenting classes, building the nursery and buying the last few big things I need, baby showers, hiring someone to take over my job for real and working out my maternity leave. So I best enjoy the stillness of this last holiday!

So much catching up to do!

I'm now 19 weeks. And I've got a very healthy baby BOY moving about inside! So healthy he was playing with his penis on the ultrasound scan. Ahem. That surely is my child!!

I'm about to head off for three weeks of holidays in the sun..so will write lots and lots then I promise. But it's been a nightmare to get my house ready for holidays with flatmate dramas and housesitters for my pets, plus train a replacement for my day job, plus do all the baby admin of scans and checkups etc etc.

Whew...in three days I'm in the sun in Hawaii eating pineapple! Yay.

Stay tuned...

x

Week 14.5 - I feel almost normal

I haven't posted lately cause I've been ignoring the pregnancy basically. Not because I've changed my mind about bub or anything, but just to kind of give myself a break from "Being Pregnant" with capital letters like I was in first trimester. I was just always so sick and tired I could never forget about it.

Now though; as long as I eat well, and sleep well, then I feel great. Slight pregnant belly forming - and I'm loving that and trying to show it off. Even my boss -the most fat phobic, BBW hating man in the universe noted that "I was showing" which means he got over his disgust at fat girl bellies long enough to notice I've got a new pot belly forming too. I was quite pleased with that.

Today he saw me eating lunch leftovers at 10am and then offered to take me out for a coffee and treat on the work account when I explained I'm constantly hungry despite trying to be good and eat low GI foods and the like. Wow - taking a fat girl for a cake without a single comment about size, eating habits etc. Although he did have to stress he'd walked 8kms before breakfast and thus "deserved" his treat. Sigh. His issues.

I've had some odd prego side effects of late. Waking with a crusty dried blood nose every morning. As I can be a bit of a nose picker, and it feels so gross, I've discovered that if I pick, or don't pick, either way it makes no difference. I've been using nasal sprays that moisturize your nose (I used them in dry climates like a Korean winter, or on long plane trips) and that's been helping.

I also sneeze like a bastard and with "increased secretions" from every orifice now like the books say I shoot snot everywhere if I'm not careful. People in the street look at me like I've got swine flu and no one believes me when I try and explain the link to being up the duff. My handbag has gone from breath mints and mouth wash to spare knickers (see "increased secretions"), panty liners, nasal spray and millions of tissues. This is the beginning of mother-handbag where you carry everything including the kitchen sink I think.

But these are all very manageable things compared to the first trimester horrors. I have had a few signs of things to come - round ligament pain starting - and that feels like you've just shagged a football team and strained your groin/abdo muscles. But it comes and goes and I use heat packs or just walk a bit waddle-like (aha - that is where the waddle starts to come in. My hips must be shifting too) and I'm good.

Lots of tears too and I'm not one for public crying - or even crying if flatmates can see so I've been a bit stressed trying to hide away when the hormones give way and I start sobbing for silly reasons. I'm trying to overcome the embarrassment and learn to show emotion in pubic - or at least to my flatmates - cause I want my kid to grow up not ashamed of feelings, like I grew up.

It's so hard though for me. I'm trying. Practising feeling words, hugs, nicknames, praise to friends and family and stating my needs, and learning to argue without panicking about feelings of anger. Whew. Lot of self development I'm trying. All related to emotion and the like. I wonder if my Mum was slightly autistic lol - I was in my twenties when I first remember hearing her say the words "I love you". In her defense she is trying now too - we end phone calls with the L word, send emails with nice feeling words every now and then and she even called and said "How are you feeling today" last week - and I nearly died! And we hug when we see each other. Small steps.

I'm using my dogs as substitute babies. I've started telling them "I love you every day and twice on Sundays" which I picked up from a TV show. It may take a few generations - and probably stems from the worlds staunchest, bitchiest grandmother but Mum is trying, I'm getting quite good at it and by the time bub hits the ground running the emotionless curse will be gone. If anyone else has some very nice, cute emotional rituals I can practice for use on a baby then let me know.

I feel really lucky to have had two full weeks now of feeling so good, and hope it continues another few weeks, even a month or so would be great. Then it will be into the hard yards - getting really big and uncomfortable.

Off to a pregnancy and baby expo tomorrow and excited. I have three friends coming along and that feels great - like they are really excited for me and supportive too. Two even offered to bring their credit cards and the thought of them considering buying me stuff makes me tear up in gratitude at their willingness to help out. This kid is going to have such a great tribe.

The Big Day!

I couldn't sleep before the ultrasound - staring out the window like I was waiting for Santa Claus. Then I remembered that good things come in a hurry if you sleep so I was off to bed..only to wake up at 5 am like it was Xmas morning! Finally, the day of the ultrasound.

I spent hours getting ready - as if I was going on a date! New cargo pants I'd bought for the occasion, matching shoes and scarf. I guess I wanted to make a good impression on the offspring for our first meeting!

Traffic was terrible so I was almost late. My friend was also late but it didn't really matter - the computers were down they told me, and they wouldn't do my scan until they knew my patient number. This is not a good thing to tell a girl who has just drunk several glasses of water and needs to pee but can't until after the scan.

In the end it was forty minutes of crossing my legs before I was allowed in for the scan. Then quick as a flash the kid was on the screen. It was a lot to take in. Features and beating heart filled the frame. Kiddo was lying in a crazy position - kinda resting on its neck with legs almost overhead. Very special. That'd be my little critter not doing things the ordinary way. The technician tried to move the baby around to get the measurements but after a while the kid threw a tantrum and started jumping around and twisting and rolling. It moves fast!

We were then sent to the "naughty chair" to wait until the kid would get in the right position for a decent scan. In the meantime though the technician went off and found a doctor who pronounced the pictures taken so far as okay after all, and not needing a second go. I was a little disappointed cause it was kinda fun just watching bub dance around.

So...baby is 5.8 cm from head to butt. Seems to have all of the major organs in place - saw bones and spine and bladder and heart and stomach. And so far no abnormal results. It's all very comforting..but at the same time bloody freaky. Eek. It's REAL. There is a LIVE BABY inside me. It's not a phantom pregnancy after all.