So I've ripped the title of this blog straight from a tabloid newspaper. Bet that got your attention. But it's true. Although it's very early , it does appear I'm knocked up, up the duff, bun in oven and all of that stuff.
You may firstly wonder how a I am accidentally knocked up. Well the old fashioned way of course - contraception failure while playing with boys. All of those years with girls and not a single pregnancy scare! Wonder what I was doing wrong then? Ha.
I found out just before I walked onto stage for my last stand up comedy show. I was trying to distract myself from comedy nerves so peed on a stick. I'd peed on one a few days before and was negative - but no period. So I was just double checking the period was late with stress from comedy.
Naturally my comedy show was the best ever cause there was no room for nerves about the performance cause in my head I was screaming an endless loop of, "Oh. My. God."
First issue is - BabyDaddy? Being the wanton hussy that I am, I have a couple of lovers. Sit down with calender and work out ovulation. Shagged two guys almost a week apart - one right on ovulation so likely it's him.
Told both boys just in case. One has moved to Peru, so got an email. Oops. The other is just being very calm and "lets-just-cope-with-it" so far.
There will be an easy way to tell who Daddy is. One boy is Asian, the other is mixed race and cocoa skinned. When the baby pops out I can just wait and see what features I've got. It's like a lucky dip really.
Yes, I'm still making jokes about my situation. Really, what else can I do? Abortion isn't an option - my little sister is 16 weeks pregnant, I'm in my thirties, I've got savings and a good job. I'd feel terrible to abort this "miracle" child that seems to be able to swim through condoms or around diaphragms. Maybe it's meant to be?
I'm only about five weeks. So that means all sorts of horrid things can go wrong yet. My blood tests and scans are still weeks away - so maybe I've got something with flippers inside me. Maybe I've got twins. Maybe I've got abnormal things going on and maybe I'll miscarry. These are all possibilities but I wanted to start blogging about it all now, cause I always cope with things by writing about them. And cracking jokes. If you can't laugh at life, you're screwed.
Speaking of jokes - I've told my family to suss out what kinda of reaction they'd have. My Nanna says, "Well, whatever it is - black, white or brindle, it's welcome in our family."
Awww...pass me the tissues. Mum and Sis are ready to move heaven and earth to help too - we're a family of strong women and they are certainly rallying around.
At one point I was almost in tears to my mum. "Am I a disappointment cause now you've got to tell everyone that your half-lesbian daughter is knocked up and having a mixed race baby on her own?"
Mum just laughed. "You are never a disappointment. You just do things your own way in life!"
My Dad, bless him, is even funnier. I ring, blurt out the news without much introduction and his first words are....
"Who is this?"
WHAT? How many daughters do you have old man - or lovers that could also be in trouble ?? Damn, what a great first response.
This is going to be some adventure!