Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Week 8: I threaten evicition

So far this week has been the hardest. So much so that at one stage I admit I did threaten my embryo with a knitting needle or coat hanger if it didn't calm the fuck down pronto.

Let me explain before you call child services on me already. At the time I was vomiting so hard I wet myself. Oh yes, laugh away, it is comedy gold. Now. But not at the time. I was sobbing reaching for the Listerine to try and rinse my mouth out but the lid was loose - so I ended up covered in pee and mouthwash and having to get ready for work all over again.

Luckily that one day seems to have been the worst and since then I'm starting to feel a little better. I have to nap in the afternoons, I have to eat like a bulimic on a binge, but as long as that's keeping the all day sickness at bay I don't care if I end up the size of a house.

My biggest pregnancy challenge is not going homicidally hormonal on my boss. Cause I spent the most amount of time with him, he's my number one enemy at present simply for breathing. It doesn't help he's already dragging out "pregnancy brain", "you're just emotional" and "oh, today I read that obese pregnant women should diet and I thought you should know."

Deep breath. Count to ten. Put down the steak knife.

I'm discovering too that being preggers means everyone has a horror story to share with you. Enough already. I don't need to hear about your aunt and how her birth was so bad and she tore so much blah blah. Shut up. Shut up.

Or there is the opposite reaction to the overshare - a condescending..oh, you're only eight weeks pregnant so I really shouldn't start to tell you about (insert horror thing here).

Hmmm..let's just face it. I pretty much hate most people right now. My sister tells me it won't go away either. Being pregnant is like some truth serum. You just can't help but be brutally honest with what you think about people and how you feel. And no one needs that type of honesty in life.

Okay, well, that's enough of a bitch. But at least you're getting an honest version about the journey and not "oh, it's so wonderful and I'm glowing" crap.

On the positive side, it's kinda nice being a bit gooey and crying at things. My favourite things are all the gag-worthy things - puppies and babies and rainbow and kittens and all of that stuff. Present me with any of those things and watch me melt.

Anyway the countdown is now on till the end of April when I get my first scan and know everything is okay...I think then I will feel a little kinder toward to the coffee bean inside me (this week it starts to move and grows fingers).


  1. First, I'm SOOO very happy for you. Maybe not necessarily for this post (Yikes...Listerine, pee and vomit all at once...Good times), but for the pregnancy in general. And I'm not going to lie, I'm so jealous. I've been wanting to get pregnant for some time now, but the Hubby just isn't ready to give up on being selfish yet. He'll get there. Anyway, I wanted to share a story with you about Truth Serum, which I find hilarious. My friend at work was pregnant and at the time, we had this imbecile working with us. Not only was a complete moron, but he had horrible habits, one of which was chewing with his mouth open, clanking his silverware on his teeth and generally just being annoying when he ate. She and I would look at one another an roll our eyes every time he pulled out his lunch. One day, she just couldn't handle it any longer. She turned around and said to him 'Hey, can you please close your mouth while you're eating? It's really disgusting to have to listen to you chew every day.' He turned a hideous shade of maroon and apologized, saying he didn't even realize that he did it. I sat there, biting my lip, trying harder than I can ever remember to not burst into fits of laughter. I definitely believe that pregnancy changes women into truth-telling machines! I can't wait to hear all about your truth-telling adventures. And once again, congrats on the baby!!!

  2. Thank you for not caving into the notion that you should only share the "joys" and "miracle of birth". It's refreshing to hear all the nitty gritty that goes along with having the kid.

    I'm (technically) still a newlywed and when people ask me 'Isn't it wonderful being married?', I'm brutally honest. No, it's not "wonderful" or "the best year of my life". Sometimes it's crap. It's worth it, but still a bit of crap. :)